From the ink-blots in my notebook

Dear Friend,

I don’t know how you feel. Or how must I console you. I am not that good a counsel, but I am going to try. For all these years I’ve known you, I’ve watched you grow into an amazing person – stronger, yet mellow, with each passing year. But today, I am moved. I am moved by how strong you’ve been. I am moved by how brave you are. I can’t imagine a day in life without my beloved. And, yours has flown miles apart. How could you survive that? And still be so strong? I admire you.

Every time I see you cry I see a person stronger than I knew. Your heart is forged of tensile steel, stretching oceans apart, yet unbreakable.  Every time I see you cry, I cry – not because I am sad for you. No, my love. I cry because nothing makes me happier than to see you’re so strong in the face of such life-turning events. I cry because I see my friend has found untainted love on the face of this evil planet.

My friend, you are one of the luckiest people alive. You have a man, who has filled your world with so much love, that it physically hurts you when he departs. Cry. May be, it will make you stronger. I don’t know how things work. But I do know this – yours is the purest heart I have ever known. In the face of adversity, you shall rise from your tears, and fight those difficulties with a smile on your face. Not only because you are strong enough to fight, but also because you are brave enough to face your demons.

I can physically feel the utter mayhem in your heart. You're trapped in the same nightmare you keep waking up into. Days are turning into nights. Time seems to have come to a standstill, yet it seems like time is passing by too fast. You don’t know how to feel. What is it about love – it’s energy wraps all around you. You can physically feel it shielding you from sorrows. But, still your heart breaks. It’s not even consciousness; it’s just an awareness in the dark.

It must be killing you from inside every time he goes away. But look at you coming back to life again, just to see if he’s okay. Imagine that time, few years from now, when you see him again. He might have changed, grown as a person, lost some weight, may be. But, as he walks towards you again, smiling, looking into your eyes. You’ll know. You’ll know it’s the same smile. It’ll be like he’d never gone away. That, my friend, is an achievement; an achievement which ordinary couples like ourselves will never experience, may be because we are not strong enough to stay apart.

But you, my dear, you are made of far superior stuff – your heart is made of the stars, and who else, but you could be ever present in his life? You are the reason he holds on, when he wants to let go. Your love shields him from the evil, and your memories soothe him like a balm, at the end of a painful day. You are his everything. Don’t break down, my dear. I shall stand by you.

Absence is to love as wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great.* Burn bright, my friend. Burn bright. There is no greater glory, than to be forged through the fires of hell. The fire will give you power and your heart will give you strength – your love will rise above the ashes. You, my dear, shall survive.

Forever and always,

Your friend

*Quote by Roger de Bussy-Rabutin

Picture Courtesy : @geetshah26

Spiritual Anarchy

All these years, life has been changing. A lot. Everyday. And, I feel that substance – the shift from one day to the next. It’s like a boulder added to the heap every new time.  I don’t even blink. I hear voices and cry. I am trapped inside my head. It’s dark and cold here. Sometimes, I see the light. I feel its God coming to my rescue. I am not sure. Most of my days, I have found solace in religion. I have found peace in temples, but not in the heart within.

Have you ever been in an accident? It’s like when you fully recover from a calamity, but still feel the rush of the aftermath – that’s how I feel. You know, even silence is something you can hear. It’s even deafening, at times. Have you ever seen someone writhe in pain, screaming noiselessly? It’s the greatest outcry for help from within. It’s the heart crying.

I don’t know why I feel this way. I don’t know why I write these things. I feel like I am in frenzy all the time, trying to fight everything all at once. In my head, I’ve given up. I want to physically hurt myself sometimes, to see if bodily pain is greater than the heartache that I bear. I don’t want to die, but I often feel like I want to take my own life.

I’m free-falling into the recesses of my past. I am floating somewhere, mid-air. There is an odd sense of peace as I plunge into the darkness. I feel like I belong here. This is my chaos. This was where I was always meant to be.

Mid-afternoon ramblings

I walked the same road again. I missed her. I have never felt so forlorn in a crowd. Never have I felt so obscure on this road. I can see us sitting by the ocean, looking into its vast expanse and talking and laughing. We never held hands. We never kissed. But it was romantic. It was friendship.

I admit I haven’t spent all these years moping. I had been watching her from afar. But now it was time for us to meet. She lived inside her head now. Seeing things she wanted to see, conjuring images and bringing them to life. She was crazed. She loved the solace of her mind.

‘Hey,’ I said as I brushed her hand, feeling her cool, silky skin. But, she looked blank. Inside her head, I knew there was a storm and I could literally feel the energy from her mind exuding into the room.

I was scared, and I didn't know if she even recognized me anymore. But she just held out her hand and said, ‘Hold my hand, and I will keep you safe.’ This was my only chance. This was the closest I had gotten in years. So, I decided to do it. I closed my eyes, and lied down next to her, probing through the recesses of my mind for an ounce of spirituality. There was none.

In my entire life I didn't feel as religious as I felt that very moment, as I said ‘Dear God.’

I was right there, in that house. Broad daylight had transformed into the dark of midnight. In the very corner of our room, I saw it. It adorned a dark robe, and it was breathing. It was like smoke, but thick and somehow, alive. As it consumed me, I went on travelling to other places. I was breathing it, living its thoughts, feeling its cool rush under my skin.

I looked at her. ‘Now, is the best part. Hold on tight,’ she said smiling. The next thing I knew, we were walking through a path. Those coloured flags captivated me. We walked through the woods until we reached a cabin. It was like the place had no life. None. I didn't even know where I was standing anymore. As I walked into the cabin, I saw it. I saw it all. I didn't know if this was real, or was I just losing my mind?

All my feelings had taken form. I felt like my emotions amplified. It was almost like I was out of my own body and staring at another version of me – a more ethereal version of me. I saw us reunite there. I saw that were together again sitting by the ocean and being carefree. It was exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. I felt queasy. As though the smoke I was breathing was slowly poisoning me. So, I let go of her and quickly walked out.

I saw her there – holding on to the bars of the window, peering into the sunlight. Her eyes were empty, and her face seemed pale. I wanted to bring her out of the labyrinth of emotions she had tangled herself in. I wanted to be the awakening she needed. I knew this was going to hurt me more than I could ever endure. I simply sighed, and looked at her face, and in that very moment I knew what I had to do. I reached for her hand and went back into a trance.

As we walked back through the mirth of the city lights, all I could remember was that faded photograph; but my memories were still afresh. There is nothing more fulfilling than pure, unadulterated friendship.

Alter Egos

I remember Jeremy. He was sweet, and harmless. When he said hello, it was like somebody had died. He seemed so constipated. Then I heard he stabbed that Parker kid with a butcher knife. There was no way in hell he could’ve pulled off a murder. He couldn’t even defend himself from little Jenny on her bike. The boy had no muscle.

But then, he’d done it. He’d stabbed Parker nine times. It’s been over a year that I look after Jeremy at the LK General Hospital. I’ve been meeting him for over sixteen months now. He still has no memory of that night. Then, there are times I encounter his alter-ego, Clive. He says he did it. Initially, I found it hard to believe that this could be true. But, I know when someone is telling the truth, and I saw the fear in this little boy’s eyes.

During my meetings with Jeremy, I saw different facets of his character. I met Marvin, who is the first, and the main personality living within Jeremy. He is twenty eight years old, has blue eyes and brown hair. The second personality is William, twenty one years old, British. These two are the minds that control the remaining personalities that exist within Jeremy. Clive is the mercenary who controls the frustration and hate. There was the poor criminal, Sean, who was always a victim; and, lastly, a four-year-old boy called Joey.

In the mind of Marvin, he had been raped by his step-father. He told me during our meet that he was eight or nine when it happened and he distinctly remembers the day like a movie playing in his head. What would a child do at such a helpless, tender age? He’s too young to report the incident to the police, and might be neglected by his mother. May be this was why Marvin had always been the suicidal one.


To gain a deeper understanding of Jeremy’s personalities, I met with his parents, foster care supervisor and school friends. When I visited the foster care, I noticed that boys were being bullied by young men and administrators. When I met Jeremy’s father, I knew he was the one Marvin was afraid of. He seemed like a person capable of molesting his son. He also seemed like the one who would indulge in domestic violence. I saw gashes and wounds on Jeremy’s mother’s arms and neck. When I asked her about it, she gave me that apathetic look. Well, at least I knew where Marvin and Clive came from. Jeremy was afraid, but he also wanted to act on his fear.

Jeremy was good at the arts, explained his teachers. But he was bullied for the same. The boy who Jeremy murdered, Parker, was a senior. He locked up Jeremy in the girls’ locker room and oppressed him for hours. To make this worse, he video-taped it and made it viral across the school. Imagine the anger within Clive. The crime scene had photos of Jeremy passed out in a pool of blood next to Parker’s dead body. The feeling of anger within Clive was so intense that it physically drained Jeremy.

Each personality had its own need to come out and live in the outer world.  For instance, in a dangerous situation when there is need for defence, Clive would come out and fulfil his duty. Another example is just before Jeremy was found at the crime scene of Parker’s murder. Two days ago, Sean had set out to find a new job, and over the weekend Marvin had been reading a book about Great Leaders. All these personalities had their area of expertise, and when Jeremy was in a peaceful situation; William took charge and decided who would do what. For most of the time, this arrangement worked out without a glitch.

None of these personalities shared memory with one another. Only William could see what the others were doing. Imagine every time you wake up you didn’t even know where you were, or what you were doing. I could only imagine Jeremy waking up in a street with torn clothes and wounds all over his body, absolutely clueless as to what has been going on. Of all the papers I found in Jeremy’s file, there was a detailed rap sheet of various crimes that the same criminal wouldn’t commit. He was accused of rape, shop-lifting, and gang violence. It was almost as if each personality had a violent streak to them.

Sean and Joey were more dormant. I figured they were more empathetic towards Jeremy’s life, and the few memories he hopelessly held on to. He may have had a few good memories, which could’ve been instrumental in soothing his aggravation. I wish I knew him better to help him. Jeremy’s story breaks my heart. He was found dead in his cabin few days ago. I just presumed it could’ve been Marvin or William. Weak minds like Jeremy’s can’t handle stress well. They can’t help themselves the way we do. May be Jeremy was a victim all his life, but wanted to break out of it. In his mind, Jeremy could have created alternate visions of his reaction to the oppression he was subjected to. Mysteries that are hidden in the subconscious mind of people and are not so easy to identify.

This kind of mental state is a hint at the depths and power of the subconscious mind. As humans we are the most developed form of species on this planet. We must have a wide perspective to understand the power of the mind. May be more testing into this disease might someday bring about methods to hone the central function of our body – the brain.

The brain is wider than the sky. We all have very powerful minds and, we don’t realise how our subconscious mind governs our daily life, slowly moving it towards the lifestyle we truly desire. The paradox of reality is that no image is as compelling as the one which exists only in the mind’s eye.

You can be whatever you want to be. It’s just a matter of how strongly you believe in it.

Never Gone

Never Gone

She held Mark's hand and led him through the woods. He saw a wonderful land where the trees were as green as they could be; sunlight was peering out of the clouds and a perfect rainbow drawn across the sky. He could hear a brook gurgling in the distance, and little splashes of water as they hit the rocks.

Mark gazed into her eyes as she escorted him deeper into that magical land. Although he was aware of the enthralling beauty around him, he was more engaged in looking at her walk him through the forest. Her face was gleaming, and she wore her hair loose. Every now and then she would glance at Mark and secretly smile as she looked around.

Suddenly, he felt his vision blurring into darkness. 'Call the paramedics,' he could hear from a distance.

   *** 

'Doctor, is he going to be okay?' Alice hurriedly scuttled across the hospital to get enough help for Mark. 'He fainted as he was walking across the lawn this morning,' she explained.

Lysergic Acid Diethylamide, commonly known as LSD, is a hallucination-inducing drug. All of Mark's tests came back positive for LSDs. Alice only wished she could be more concerned! Mark hadn't slept in six years. His eyes were always red, and he looked around as though he were gazing into a gaping hole. He was a wreck of a person - his soul torn apart.

Six years ago, Mark lost his lovely daughter. A rogue stabbed little Gina with a huge chunk of glass, while Mark crawled across the street trying to save her.

Mark sat in the living room waiting for his wife to step out. The Sun had set. The sky was black and orange; night was silently marauding in. The air was still. His face was blank, yet he seemed to know exactly what he was doing. Mark put on a shoddy blazer, which was the best he had. He looked scruffy and exhausted as always. His face still was hopeless, and his eyes, vacant as ever.

He silently turned on the garden lights. The cake was decorated and candles were lit. She appeared before him in that same blue dress. She wore those pretty pump shoes, and her favourite suede jacket, still bloody from the stab-wounds. As she approached Mark, he could feel the ice in the wind. A burnished aura surrounded her presence, as she simply smiled at Mark and nodded in dissent. In a blink of an eye, Mark lost her. He was immersed in a mysterious hue of colours that formed a mist in the air.

The desiccated tree haunted the arid lawn; Mark sat on the wobbling bench. The dangling branches of the trees formed an ominous claw-like shadow over Mark's head. Yet again, he poured a drop of that pungent liquid on his fist.

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Disjointed Thoughts At The Break Of Dawn...

“When to the sessions of sweet silent thought

I summon up remembrance of things past, 

I sigh the lack of many a thing I sought, 

And with old woes new wail my dear time's waste:

Then can I drown an eye, unused to flow, 

For precious friends hid in death's dateless night,

And weep afresh love's long since cancell'd woe, 

And moan the expense of many a vanish'd sight: 

Then can I grieve at grievances foregone, 

And heavily from woe to woe tell o'er 

The sad account of fore-bemoaned moan, 

Which I new pay as if not paid before. 

But if the while I think on thee, dear friend,

All losses are restored and sorrows end.”

- Shakespeare’s Sonnet XXX

Yet again, I ponder on emotions – So many emotions. Off late I've been thinking about friendship – who really is a true friend? More often than not, I can’t place faith in my own self. I feel like a stranger in my own life… As though I’m watching myself in a movie and time is just passing by. I feel so helpless. I can’t differentiate between dreams and reality. My heart yearns for what is not mine, and, my mind abstains from choice.


Loving yourself is not selfishness and being strong is an endearing quality. If someone doesn’t make an effort to understand you, it’s not unto you to speak it out. Put up a smile and move on. You deserve only smiles.


Feelings are not meant to be spoken. Feelings are meant to be felt. Feelings are never wrong or right. They just define your closeness to a person. Would you have felt a thing, if you weren’t so close?


There is no sense in belittling your feelings by always speaking about them. The more you express, the more you are taken for granted. Gather yourself. Calm down. Take a deep breath and feel your senses relax. Look yourself in the eye, and respect yourself for who you are. If you can’t respect the person you are, how do you expect the world to respect you?


Don’t waste your tears over someone who doesn’t understand why you cry. Don’t let your own feelings hurt you. No! Your heart will speak to you. Accept its premise and simply understand its implications. Just feel your feelings. Don’t complicate your life by trying to act on it.


Sometimes, inaction is the greatest action of all. The one who loves you will find a thousand unspoken words behind your silence; the ignorant will find no meaning in your endless expression and tears.


The more you seek out friendship, the harder it becomes to find. Meditate. Love yourself. Accept yourself. You’re the best friend you’ll ever have. Don’t let yourself down. There is no life without hope. May be life doesn’t turn out the way you want it. That’s really alright. Don’t let your Tomorrow recede beneath the waves of Yesterday.

Watch the Sun Rise. Feel the energy when Darkness breaks into Dawn. Fill your life with Light. Everything is luminous at the break of dawn, yet nothing is clear. Think of where you live and what you love – things that elude you. Let the realisation dawn upon you – You can love without complete understanding. Be your best friend. Let the Sun Rise into your Life!

Ponderings

He sat on the park bench, breathing lightly, observing his surroundings. May be, he was looking back at his life. Just then, I saw myself running towards him. It felt as though, time had turned back and I was 12 again. He looked at me running towards him and got up that instant – we walked hand-in-hand, as he regaled me with various stories. I remember his voice; my innocent laughter rings in my ears as he narrated stories to me. And suddenly, this picture is blurred into my tears.

******

Tears trickled down my face, as I reminisced time spent with my Grandfather. He was a man of old age – he was 80 years old, when I was just 10. Yet, I remember him walking in the house – headstrong, tall, yet mellow and smiling.

It’s very difficult to accept that a person in your life has gone away, to never return. You never know when a ‘moment’ would turn into a ‘memory.’ Sometimes, you want to wail your heart out just so that your shriek brings them back. But all you can hear is silence – Dead Silence.

I wish for his guidance, and I miss his wise hearings. May be, that’s why I’m dreaming of him. May be I couldn’t cry when he passed away because I was too young to comprehend human loss.

Tears came, a little too late, a little too soon – as, 8 years later, I know what it means to lose a loved one to Time.

It pains me to know that every moment of laughter will later only ring in my memory. May be, there’s too much amiss in this world – but our share of it, however imperfect, is truly tailored for us. Sometimes, I wish I could record every such moment of joy, and relive the memory – it’s only when I realise how painful it is: The Ability to Remember. Sometimes, you wish you didn’t have it. May be, life would have been simpler.

It’s very easy to blame a friend for drifting apart. You can ponder as much you want over your choices, they wouldn’t change. Your feelings will remain with yourself until you speak them.

Ever wish you had full-time access to some one’s mind? What if you did? Could you still change the way they thought about you?

Sometimes, you’re in the best relationship in the world, and it comes to an end – all you’re left with is a blank mind and a heart ripped into pieces. To begin with, may be, you weren’t as close as you thought.

It’s not necessary to explain every feeling you feel. May be you end up saying it because your hearts are not as close as you think they are. If they were, would there be a need to speak? When your hearts are too close for words, days, months, years of being apart never seem to matter. You know that you’re understood. You know that the bond is alive. It’s an odd feeling of unsettlement in your heart – the sweetness of being loved with the acidity of being apart.

As usual, I’m not being able to settle down on a single thought. But, I’ve learnt one thing. It’s okay to fall apart with people you love. Being truthful is what matters. Being truthful is very simple. Being ‘hurt,’ in my opinion, is an over-rated feeling. Sometimes, you think you’re very close to a person because you’re spending so much time together and doing all these important things in life. That may not be true. Deep down, in your heart, there lives a bond which you might not be aware of today. Look around yourself, and think – think hard on how every bond affects you. Nurture the relationships in your life. There will be a day when your moments will turn into a memory. You’re always going to have that sinking feeling in your heart, wherein you wish you’d done something more. Get ready for it. Someday, you’re going to have to look yourself in the mirror, and just hope that when you meet eyes with yourself, you’re not going to cry.

All these years, I never realised that my Grandfather was so important to me. But, I guess he knew. He was wiser. I knew he heard me cry. That's why he came into my dreams. He could feel my heart yearning for a lesson.

As I clear the mist around my eyes, I still see him walking… I see him walking away.

I wish he didn’t leave me. I need someone to hold my hand, and guide me through this world.
Nobody’s perfect. We all need someone.