From the ink-blots in my notebook

Dear Friend,

I don’t know how you feel. Or how must I console you. I am not that good a counsel, but I am going to try. For all these years I’ve known you, I’ve watched you grow into an amazing person – stronger, yet mellow, with each passing year. But today, I am moved. I am moved by how strong you’ve been. I am moved by how brave you are. I can’t imagine a day in life without my beloved. And, yours has flown miles apart. How could you survive that? And still be so strong? I admire you.

Every time I see you cry I see a person stronger than I knew. Your heart is forged of tensile steel, stretching oceans apart, yet unbreakable.  Every time I see you cry, I cry – not because I am sad for you. No, my love. I cry because nothing makes me happier than to see you’re so strong in the face of such life-turning events. I cry because I see my friend has found untainted love on the face of this evil planet.

My friend, you are one of the luckiest people alive. You have a man, who has filled your world with so much love, that it physically hurts you when he departs. Cry. May be, it will make you stronger. I don’t know how things work. But I do know this – yours is the purest heart I have ever known. In the face of adversity, you shall rise from your tears, and fight those difficulties with a smile on your face. Not only because you are strong enough to fight, but also because you are brave enough to face your demons.

I can physically feel the utter mayhem in your heart. You're trapped in the same nightmare you keep waking up into. Days are turning into nights. Time seems to have come to a standstill, yet it seems like time is passing by too fast. You don’t know how to feel. What is it about love – it’s energy wraps all around you. You can physically feel it shielding you from sorrows. But, still your heart breaks. It’s not even consciousness; it’s just an awareness in the dark.

It must be killing you from inside every time he goes away. But look at you coming back to life again, just to see if he’s okay. Imagine that time, few years from now, when you see him again. He might have changed, grown as a person, lost some weight, may be. But, as he walks towards you again, smiling, looking into your eyes. You’ll know. You’ll know it’s the same smile. It’ll be like he’d never gone away. That, my friend, is an achievement; an achievement which ordinary couples like ourselves will never experience, may be because we are not strong enough to stay apart.

But you, my dear, you are made of far superior stuff – your heart is made of the stars, and who else, but you could be ever present in his life? You are the reason he holds on, when he wants to let go. Your love shields him from the evil, and your memories soothe him like a balm, at the end of a painful day. You are his everything. Don’t break down, my dear. I shall stand by you.

Absence is to love as wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great.* Burn bright, my friend. Burn bright. There is no greater glory, than to be forged through the fires of hell. The fire will give you power and your heart will give you strength – your love will rise above the ashes. You, my dear, shall survive.

Forever and always,

Your friend

*Quote by Roger de Bussy-Rabutin

Picture Courtesy : @geetshah26

Spiritual Anarchy

All these years, life has been changing. A lot. Everyday. And, I feel that substance – the shift from one day to the next. It’s like a boulder added to the heap every new time.  I don’t even blink. I hear voices and cry. I am trapped inside my head. It’s dark and cold here. Sometimes, I see the light. I feel its God coming to my rescue. I am not sure. Most of my days, I have found solace in religion. I have found peace in temples, but not in the heart within.

Have you ever been in an accident? It’s like when you fully recover from a calamity, but still feel the rush of the aftermath – that’s how I feel. You know, even silence is something you can hear. It’s even deafening, at times. Have you ever seen someone writhe in pain, screaming noiselessly? It’s the greatest outcry for help from within. It’s the heart crying.

I don’t know why I feel this way. I don’t know why I write these things. I feel like I am in frenzy all the time, trying to fight everything all at once. In my head, I’ve given up. I want to physically hurt myself sometimes, to see if bodily pain is greater than the heartache that I bear. I don’t want to die, but I often feel like I want to take my own life.

I’m free-falling into the recesses of my past. I am floating somewhere, mid-air. There is an odd sense of peace as I plunge into the darkness. I feel like I belong here. This is my chaos. This was where I was always meant to be.

Mid-afternoon ramblings

I walked the same road again. I missed her. I have never felt so forlorn in a crowd. Never have I felt so obscure on this road. I can see us sitting by the ocean, looking into its vast expanse and talking and laughing. We never held hands. We never kissed. But it was romantic. It was friendship.

I admit I haven’t spent all these years moping. I had been watching her from afar. But now it was time for us to meet. She lived inside her head now. Seeing things she wanted to see, conjuring images and bringing them to life. She was crazed. She loved the solace of her mind.

‘Hey,’ I said as I brushed her hand, feeling her cool, silky skin. But, she looked blank. Inside her head, I knew there was a storm and I could literally feel the energy from her mind exuding into the room.

I was scared, and I didn't know if she even recognized me anymore. But she just held out her hand and said, ‘Hold my hand, and I will keep you safe.’ This was my only chance. This was the closest I had gotten in years. So, I decided to do it. I closed my eyes, and lied down next to her, probing through the recesses of my mind for an ounce of spirituality. There was none.

In my entire life I didn't feel as religious as I felt that very moment, as I said ‘Dear God.’

I was right there, in that house. Broad daylight had transformed into the dark of midnight. In the very corner of our room, I saw it. It adorned a dark robe, and it was breathing. It was like smoke, but thick and somehow, alive. As it consumed me, I went on travelling to other places. I was breathing it, living its thoughts, feeling its cool rush under my skin.

I looked at her. ‘Now, is the best part. Hold on tight,’ she said smiling. The next thing I knew, we were walking through a path. Those coloured flags captivated me. We walked through the woods until we reached a cabin. It was like the place had no life. None. I didn't even know where I was standing anymore. As I walked into the cabin, I saw it. I saw it all. I didn't know if this was real, or was I just losing my mind?

All my feelings had taken form. I felt like my emotions amplified. It was almost like I was out of my own body and staring at another version of me – a more ethereal version of me. I saw us reunite there. I saw that were together again sitting by the ocean and being carefree. It was exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. I felt queasy. As though the smoke I was breathing was slowly poisoning me. So, I let go of her and quickly walked out.

I saw her there – holding on to the bars of the window, peering into the sunlight. Her eyes were empty, and her face seemed pale. I wanted to bring her out of the labyrinth of emotions she had tangled herself in. I wanted to be the awakening she needed. I knew this was going to hurt me more than I could ever endure. I simply sighed, and looked at her face, and in that very moment I knew what I had to do. I reached for her hand and went back into a trance.

As we walked back through the mirth of the city lights, all I could remember was that faded photograph; but my memories were still afresh. There is nothing more fulfilling than pure, unadulterated friendship.

Never Gone

Never Gone

She held Mark's hand and led him through the woods. He saw a wonderful land where the trees were as green as they could be; sunlight was peering out of the clouds and a perfect rainbow drawn across the sky. He could hear a brook gurgling in the distance, and little splashes of water as they hit the rocks.

Mark gazed into her eyes as she escorted him deeper into that magical land. Although he was aware of the enthralling beauty around him, he was more engaged in looking at her walk him through the forest. Her face was gleaming, and she wore her hair loose. Every now and then she would glance at Mark and secretly smile as she looked around.

Suddenly, he felt his vision blurring into darkness. 'Call the paramedics,' he could hear from a distance.

   *** 

'Doctor, is he going to be okay?' Alice hurriedly scuttled across the hospital to get enough help for Mark. 'He fainted as he was walking across the lawn this morning,' she explained.

Lysergic Acid Diethylamide, commonly known as LSD, is a hallucination-inducing drug. All of Mark's tests came back positive for LSDs. Alice only wished she could be more concerned! Mark hadn't slept in six years. His eyes were always red, and he looked around as though he were gazing into a gaping hole. He was a wreck of a person - his soul torn apart.

Six years ago, Mark lost his lovely daughter. A rogue stabbed little Gina with a huge chunk of glass, while Mark crawled across the street trying to save her.

Mark sat in the living room waiting for his wife to step out. The Sun had set. The sky was black and orange; night was silently marauding in. The air was still. His face was blank, yet he seemed to know exactly what he was doing. Mark put on a shoddy blazer, which was the best he had. He looked scruffy and exhausted as always. His face still was hopeless, and his eyes, vacant as ever.

He silently turned on the garden lights. The cake was decorated and candles were lit. She appeared before him in that same blue dress. She wore those pretty pump shoes, and her favourite suede jacket, still bloody from the stab-wounds. As she approached Mark, he could feel the ice in the wind. A burnished aura surrounded her presence, as she simply smiled at Mark and nodded in dissent. In a blink of an eye, Mark lost her. He was immersed in a mysterious hue of colours that formed a mist in the air.

The desiccated tree haunted the arid lawn; Mark sat on the wobbling bench. The dangling branches of the trees formed an ominous claw-like shadow over Mark's head. Yet again, he poured a drop of that pungent liquid on his fist.

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Ponderings

He sat on the park bench, breathing lightly, observing his surroundings. May be, he was looking back at his life. Just then, I saw myself running towards him. It felt as though, time had turned back and I was 12 again. He looked at me running towards him and got up that instant – we walked hand-in-hand, as he regaled me with various stories. I remember his voice; my innocent laughter rings in my ears as he narrated stories to me. And suddenly, this picture is blurred into my tears.

******

Tears trickled down my face, as I reminisced time spent with my Grandfather. He was a man of old age – he was 80 years old, when I was just 10. Yet, I remember him walking in the house – headstrong, tall, yet mellow and smiling.

It’s very difficult to accept that a person in your life has gone away, to never return. You never know when a ‘moment’ would turn into a ‘memory.’ Sometimes, you want to wail your heart out just so that your shriek brings them back. But all you can hear is silence – Dead Silence.

I wish for his guidance, and I miss his wise hearings. May be, that’s why I’m dreaming of him. May be I couldn’t cry when he passed away because I was too young to comprehend human loss.

Tears came, a little too late, a little too soon – as, 8 years later, I know what it means to lose a loved one to Time.

It pains me to know that every moment of laughter will later only ring in my memory. May be, there’s too much amiss in this world – but our share of it, however imperfect, is truly tailored for us. Sometimes, I wish I could record every such moment of joy, and relive the memory – it’s only when I realise how painful it is: The Ability to Remember. Sometimes, you wish you didn’t have it. May be, life would have been simpler.

It’s very easy to blame a friend for drifting apart. You can ponder as much you want over your choices, they wouldn’t change. Your feelings will remain with yourself until you speak them.

Ever wish you had full-time access to some one’s mind? What if you did? Could you still change the way they thought about you?

Sometimes, you’re in the best relationship in the world, and it comes to an end – all you’re left with is a blank mind and a heart ripped into pieces. To begin with, may be, you weren’t as close as you thought.

It’s not necessary to explain every feeling you feel. May be you end up saying it because your hearts are not as close as you think they are. If they were, would there be a need to speak? When your hearts are too close for words, days, months, years of being apart never seem to matter. You know that you’re understood. You know that the bond is alive. It’s an odd feeling of unsettlement in your heart – the sweetness of being loved with the acidity of being apart.

As usual, I’m not being able to settle down on a single thought. But, I’ve learnt one thing. It’s okay to fall apart with people you love. Being truthful is what matters. Being truthful is very simple. Being ‘hurt,’ in my opinion, is an over-rated feeling. Sometimes, you think you’re very close to a person because you’re spending so much time together and doing all these important things in life. That may not be true. Deep down, in your heart, there lives a bond which you might not be aware of today. Look around yourself, and think – think hard on how every bond affects you. Nurture the relationships in your life. There will be a day when your moments will turn into a memory. You’re always going to have that sinking feeling in your heart, wherein you wish you’d done something more. Get ready for it. Someday, you’re going to have to look yourself in the mirror, and just hope that when you meet eyes with yourself, you’re not going to cry.

All these years, I never realised that my Grandfather was so important to me. But, I guess he knew. He was wiser. I knew he heard me cry. That's why he came into my dreams. He could feel my heart yearning for a lesson.

As I clear the mist around my eyes, I still see him walking… I see him walking away.

I wish he didn’t leave me. I need someone to hold my hand, and guide me through this world.
Nobody’s perfect. We all need someone.