Fortitude

I wonder today, as the rain falls in all its might, for a few momentous moments, before it decides to go away. It brings with it sheer freshness, yet the familiar smell of earth takes me into a petrichor state of mind.

It has been long now, so very long, since I have felt this comfortable with myself. With no one to hold my hand, no one to save me – here I am, my own enemy, my own savior, trying my best to get through life, and coming out triumphant at the frontlines of each war-torn day!

I listen to the simplicity of the rain drops, and it takes me back. That is the thing about these rains, they are always so consistent in their sounds, in their smell, and the way they stir up an entire world inside of me, that I never knew existed. The rains are ever so consistent in making me feel sense of my existence in a new facet each time.

Tonight I feel stoic in the face of my past. Although it seems like I have endured much, yet a feeling of limbo grows within me. It is not emptiness, but with time, I am more and more aware of a part of me that has died in the past three years. Tonight I am thinking of second chances. I am thinking of how we all deserve a second chance. We must only be brave enough to take it. If the past is prologue, then we must be ready to learn from it. It is possibly acceptable to mourn the past, but it would be almost criminal to forge your future based on your fears. May be the past is a product of your worst fears, ignorance and naiveté. Now, with renewed lessons and strength, you are stronger.

You are stronger because you are resilient and wise. It has eventually come to you, and in all its finality, you know whatever the fate that life has in store for you, your resilience will help you sail through. Slowly, I am learning how to accept success with as much humility as I had accepted continual failure. With every ounce of success that comes to me, I feel more and more responsible. I am humbled at the very knock of success at my door. I had not seen it in twenty five years of my life, to the extent at which I witness it now, and I know it shall grow even more with time. This is not my vanity, but my sheer ability to face all odds, that speaks with such surety of success.

I am sure that part within me which perished was the little girl who had those hopes crushed which were never hers to begin with. It was the girl who believed in magic of friendship, the one who believed in love more than herself. I was the one who believed in the magic of relationships, and the one who worked hard to keep them alive, long after they were dead. I still see the ghosts of my past haunt me in the most ordinary moments of my day. I see the little knickknacks that I remember throwing away, and I believe they are still around me. Swiftly, I am in memoriam of a day in my past that brought me hope and smile. Such a simpleton I was! Such few expectations! There was a clean heart, a clear mind, and actions to accompany these feelings.

Today, I look back, and I see that girl. She is amazing. She is so strong. My strength is forged out of  her gentle spirit. My stoicism is a product of her constant ability to deal with sadness, and my sheer resilience is a product of her pain and capability to only see the good in people. I am grateful to her, because she didn’t give up. She kept fighting through the difficulties, she did the impossible; she achieved all that seemed impossible to her, that seemed unattainable, and all of it on the singlehanded mettle of her spirit and nothing more!

I listen to the rain, and the meter, the vision of its opaque graininess and the familiarity and warmth of the petrichor make me pensive. I take cognizance of everything beautiful in my life and I am grateful for it all, even the struggles, for they bring me strength and wisdom for the troubles of the future. The time that is to come petrifies me, yet I am not shivering. I stand strong, on the brink of the present, armed with my newfound resilience to welcome the challenges that lie ahead and come out stronger. Our experiences rewire us. I am in peace. I am now enjoying one of life’s meaningful pauses, and it makes me wonder why often silences are considered uncomfortable. I think we ought to be silent more often, and breathe in the pauses, learn to listen, and simply absorb, absorb what life is really trying to teach us, learn what we must to move on to our next lesson!

Mid-afternoon ramblings

I walked the same road again. I missed her. I have never felt so forlorn in a crowd. Never have I felt so obscure on this road. I can see us sitting by the ocean, looking into its vast expanse and talking and laughing. We never held hands. We never kissed. But it was romantic. It was friendship.

I admit I haven’t spent all these years moping. I had been watching her from afar. But now it was time for us to meet. She lived inside her head now. Seeing things she wanted to see, conjuring images and bringing them to life. She was crazed. She loved the solace of her mind.

‘Hey,’ I said as I brushed her hand, feeling her cool, silky skin. But, she looked blank. Inside her head, I knew there was a storm and I could literally feel the energy from her mind exuding into the room.

I was scared, and I didn't know if she even recognized me anymore. But she just held out her hand and said, ‘Hold my hand, and I will keep you safe.’ This was my only chance. This was the closest I had gotten in years. So, I decided to do it. I closed my eyes, and lied down next to her, probing through the recesses of my mind for an ounce of spirituality. There was none.

In my entire life I didn't feel as religious as I felt that very moment, as I said ‘Dear God.’

I was right there, in that house. Broad daylight had transformed into the dark of midnight. In the very corner of our room, I saw it. It adorned a dark robe, and it was breathing. It was like smoke, but thick and somehow, alive. As it consumed me, I went on travelling to other places. I was breathing it, living its thoughts, feeling its cool rush under my skin.

I looked at her. ‘Now, is the best part. Hold on tight,’ she said smiling. The next thing I knew, we were walking through a path. Those coloured flags captivated me. We walked through the woods until we reached a cabin. It was like the place had no life. None. I didn't even know where I was standing anymore. As I walked into the cabin, I saw it. I saw it all. I didn't know if this was real, or was I just losing my mind?

All my feelings had taken form. I felt like my emotions amplified. It was almost like I was out of my own body and staring at another version of me – a more ethereal version of me. I saw us reunite there. I saw that were together again sitting by the ocean and being carefree. It was exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. I felt queasy. As though the smoke I was breathing was slowly poisoning me. So, I let go of her and quickly walked out.

I saw her there – holding on to the bars of the window, peering into the sunlight. Her eyes were empty, and her face seemed pale. I wanted to bring her out of the labyrinth of emotions she had tangled herself in. I wanted to be the awakening she needed. I knew this was going to hurt me more than I could ever endure. I simply sighed, and looked at her face, and in that very moment I knew what I had to do. I reached for her hand and went back into a trance.

As we walked back through the mirth of the city lights, all I could remember was that faded photograph; but my memories were still afresh. There is nothing more fulfilling than pure, unadulterated friendship.

Disjointed Thoughts At The Break Of Dawn...

“When to the sessions of sweet silent thought

I summon up remembrance of things past, 

I sigh the lack of many a thing I sought, 

And with old woes new wail my dear time's waste:

Then can I drown an eye, unused to flow, 

For precious friends hid in death's dateless night,

And weep afresh love's long since cancell'd woe, 

And moan the expense of many a vanish'd sight: 

Then can I grieve at grievances foregone, 

And heavily from woe to woe tell o'er 

The sad account of fore-bemoaned moan, 

Which I new pay as if not paid before. 

But if the while I think on thee, dear friend,

All losses are restored and sorrows end.”

- Shakespeare’s Sonnet XXX

Yet again, I ponder on emotions – So many emotions. Off late I've been thinking about friendship – who really is a true friend? More often than not, I can’t place faith in my own self. I feel like a stranger in my own life… As though I’m watching myself in a movie and time is just passing by. I feel so helpless. I can’t differentiate between dreams and reality. My heart yearns for what is not mine, and, my mind abstains from choice.


Loving yourself is not selfishness and being strong is an endearing quality. If someone doesn’t make an effort to understand you, it’s not unto you to speak it out. Put up a smile and move on. You deserve only smiles.


Feelings are not meant to be spoken. Feelings are meant to be felt. Feelings are never wrong or right. They just define your closeness to a person. Would you have felt a thing, if you weren’t so close?


There is no sense in belittling your feelings by always speaking about them. The more you express, the more you are taken for granted. Gather yourself. Calm down. Take a deep breath and feel your senses relax. Look yourself in the eye, and respect yourself for who you are. If you can’t respect the person you are, how do you expect the world to respect you?


Don’t waste your tears over someone who doesn’t understand why you cry. Don’t let your own feelings hurt you. No! Your heart will speak to you. Accept its premise and simply understand its implications. Just feel your feelings. Don’t complicate your life by trying to act on it.


Sometimes, inaction is the greatest action of all. The one who loves you will find a thousand unspoken words behind your silence; the ignorant will find no meaning in your endless expression and tears.


The more you seek out friendship, the harder it becomes to find. Meditate. Love yourself. Accept yourself. You’re the best friend you’ll ever have. Don’t let yourself down. There is no life without hope. May be life doesn’t turn out the way you want it. That’s really alright. Don’t let your Tomorrow recede beneath the waves of Yesterday.

Watch the Sun Rise. Feel the energy when Darkness breaks into Dawn. Fill your life with Light. Everything is luminous at the break of dawn, yet nothing is clear. Think of where you live and what you love – things that elude you. Let the realisation dawn upon you – You can love without complete understanding. Be your best friend. Let the Sun Rise into your Life!