Fortitude

I wonder today, as the rain falls in all its might, for a few momentous moments, before it decides to go away. It brings with it sheer freshness, yet the familiar smell of earth takes me into a petrichor state of mind.

It has been long now, so very long, since I have felt this comfortable with myself. With no one to hold my hand, no one to save me – here I am, my own enemy, my own savior, trying my best to get through life, and coming out triumphant at the frontlines of each war-torn day!

I listen to the simplicity of the rain drops, and it takes me back. That is the thing about these rains, they are always so consistent in their sounds, in their smell, and the way they stir up an entire world inside of me, that I never knew existed. The rains are ever so consistent in making me feel sense of my existence in a new facet each time.

Tonight I feel stoic in the face of my past. Although it seems like I have endured much, yet a feeling of limbo grows within me. It is not emptiness, but with time, I am more and more aware of a part of me that has died in the past three years. Tonight I am thinking of second chances. I am thinking of how we all deserve a second chance. We must only be brave enough to take it. If the past is prologue, then we must be ready to learn from it. It is possibly acceptable to mourn the past, but it would be almost criminal to forge your future based on your fears. May be the past is a product of your worst fears, ignorance and naiveté. Now, with renewed lessons and strength, you are stronger.

You are stronger because you are resilient and wise. It has eventually come to you, and in all its finality, you know whatever the fate that life has in store for you, your resilience will help you sail through. Slowly, I am learning how to accept success with as much humility as I had accepted continual failure. With every ounce of success that comes to me, I feel more and more responsible. I am humbled at the very knock of success at my door. I had not seen it in twenty five years of my life, to the extent at which I witness it now, and I know it shall grow even more with time. This is not my vanity, but my sheer ability to face all odds, that speaks with such surety of success.

I am sure that part within me which perished was the little girl who had those hopes crushed which were never hers to begin with. It was the girl who believed in magic of friendship, the one who believed in love more than herself. I was the one who believed in the magic of relationships, and the one who worked hard to keep them alive, long after they were dead. I still see the ghosts of my past haunt me in the most ordinary moments of my day. I see the little knickknacks that I remember throwing away, and I believe they are still around me. Swiftly, I am in memoriam of a day in my past that brought me hope and smile. Such a simpleton I was! Such few expectations! There was a clean heart, a clear mind, and actions to accompany these feelings.

Today, I look back, and I see that girl. She is amazing. She is so strong. My strength is forged out of  her gentle spirit. My stoicism is a product of her constant ability to deal with sadness, and my sheer resilience is a product of her pain and capability to only see the good in people. I am grateful to her, because she didn’t give up. She kept fighting through the difficulties, she did the impossible; she achieved all that seemed impossible to her, that seemed unattainable, and all of it on the singlehanded mettle of her spirit and nothing more!

I listen to the rain, and the meter, the vision of its opaque graininess and the familiarity and warmth of the petrichor make me pensive. I take cognizance of everything beautiful in my life and I am grateful for it all, even the struggles, for they bring me strength and wisdom for the troubles of the future. The time that is to come petrifies me, yet I am not shivering. I stand strong, on the brink of the present, armed with my newfound resilience to welcome the challenges that lie ahead and come out stronger. Our experiences rewire us. I am in peace. I am now enjoying one of life’s meaningful pauses, and it makes me wonder why often silences are considered uncomfortable. I think we ought to be silent more often, and breathe in the pauses, learn to listen, and simply absorb, absorb what life is really trying to teach us, learn what we must to move on to our next lesson!